The Death of The Old Me

Have you ever had that moment in time where everything shifts into suspended animation?  Time, words, movement, everything around you is placed on hold while you are suspended in this void of space. That is exactly what happened to me on February 10, 2001. I woke up to a day like any other, off to work, sketching designs and completing a presentation with a client, and then planning to eat lunch at home with my husband. The weather was drab and grey, as the rain decided to drizzle off and on throughout that afternoon. I remember thinking that I had better slow down, as California is notorious for slick roads due to oil build up and infrequent rain storms.

My meeting went later than anticipated, so I was most anxious to return home for a bite to eat. It was almost 12:15 when I received the call from my husband Steve, surprising me with an announcement that a late afternoon breakfast would be waiting for me when I arrived home! My stomach was growling and I had already been feeling the beginning stages of a throbbing headache from not eating. It was Saturday, so everyone was out and about, driving slowly and cautiously due to the rain. Luckily, I was only about 10 minutes away so I told him I would be home shortly.

Immediately upon hanging up my cell, as I was driving down the typical route through Elfin Forest, meandering through Harmony Grove Road, I heard a voice so clearly that I could not mistaken it. This feminine voice pleaded with me to pull over to the side of the road. I did not, for I was too busy scolding myself for having such an imagination. About a half a minute later I received another appeal, urgently suggesting that I pull over to the side of the road now. This time however, the voice went into detail, advising me to pull over and work on my designs in the car on the side of the road. Amusingly, I found myself bantering with this voice, reciting all of the things that were essential to draw my designs. I would need a ruler, pencil, pen, marker, white out, grid paper, price list, stock numbers, a flat surface, etc. No matter how sound my declaration was, the clarity and volume of the voice still intrigued me. So much so, that I impulsively reviewed my overactive imagination, attempting to discount the validity of the voice.

The Mangled Front EndBut denial won out, as I drove down the road, with thoughts of the day winding back and forth like the road I was driving on. I was obsessing on how much further I had to travel before I would be able to eat. I scolded myself for not eating before I had left for my client meeting, and vowed never to do it again.

Within another minute, I “received” another prompting, but this time it was far more dramatic, and far more emphatic. I was so busy asking myself if this could possibly be happening to me, that I lost track of the entire purpose of the message. “She” demanded that I “pull over just for two minutes and then return home to complete my drawings. That’s all (I) needed to do.” I was still stuck on who it was I was hearing and why hadn’t I heard her before? Or had I heard her before but never paid attention to her? One question lead to another and another with no real solutions.

And this is when I met my crossroad, oblivious to the repercussions of ignoring my Guide’s foreboding. I decided to get home and within 2 minutes, I was in my most devastating car accident, one that changed my life permanently. The old me died immediately. Not only did I realize the benevolent nature of those three warnings, but I realized later that this intervention was only the beginning of many mysterious events to come, drawing me even closer to a holistically spiritual life.

The Hood Shaped Like a "V"When I came to, I absolutely panicked. I began hyperventilating with the recognition that both front seats had moved forward a good foot or more and the hood was bent up like an upside down V, obscuring my view out the front windshield. I felt immense heat penetrating up through my feet and legs, and heard only the loud hissing of the engine. I saw a wealth of smoke whirling above the front end, which instantaneously triggered me to think I must escape with my life!  It was time to get out of this contraption, but as I moved to unlock the seat belt, I detected the steering wheel pressing up against my chest. I had no air bag and was pinned in, unable to feel a thing…no pain, no tingling, nothing. That alone scared the hell out of me!  I spent the better part of several minutes just realizing that I might be paralyzed and that I couldn’t move, especially after I tried to move my left leg out of the door.  That was my second big wake-up call!

There are times in your life when you must muster up every resource possible to cope with encroaching fear and pain. This was one of those occasions, as I repetitively thanked my father for teaching me to be strong and unretreating when under fire. I couldn’t find my cell, I couldn’t move, and I couldn’t feel anything, despite my injuries. Fighting ghastly thoughts of a wheelchair bound future life, I just breathed, prayed, and affirmed that I would walk again. I noticed I still hadn’t felt any pain by the time the woman who hit me rushed over to my car door, hysterically explaining her screw-up and profusely apologizing for hitting me. I said to her without thinking, “Don’t worry about it. I know you didn’t get up this morning and say to yourself, hey, I think I am going to cripple and screw up Alexandra’s life!” As if this was what she really needed to hear, she nodded her head and ran back to her car, which I noticed had little damage compared to mine.

Someone finally reached 911, as well as my husband, since the cell service wasn’t that great within the area. In the meantime, I just focused on calming myself down and stating aloud that I would walk again. It is the only time in my life where I was eminently pleased when the pain FINALLY kicked in. Oh My God, did it ever kick in! But at least I didn’t sustain paralysis as imagined. As I mentally scanned each body part, I searched for an area that did not shriek with pain and could find none.  This was my third big wake-up call!

The End of My Honda AccordThe ambulance arrived finally, working diligently to free me from the steering wheel. I kept yelling that my teeth had fallen out since I had swallowed bits of tooth and enamel, but they continued to reassure me that all of my teeth were intact. I was frantically plopped onto a gurney and rolled into an ambulance with ugly, beige,  discolored walls and cloth straps swinging from the ceiling. I could feel the lives that had passed in this vehicle and wondered why. Was I just overwrought with pain and a questionable future?

The ride to Palomar Hospital was horrific, as I didn’t have my husband by my side (they suggested that he follow me to the hospital) and the ambulance driver got lost for over a half an hour. I found out later that the hospital they intended to take me to had no available beds in their emergency room, so they had to call another local hospital that had room. It was one of the longest days of my life!  That ride was excruciating, as I swayed to and fro with the ambulance’s loose suspension, only feeling secured by the duct tape wound around my head  and attached to the wooden board beneath me. I just kept affirming that I could handle the pain, and I was determined to be whole, healthy and walking again some day.

I came to find out later that the total impact of the accident was approximately 80 mph. The other driver had been unable to make a 90 degree turn in a 50 mile an hour speed zone, and ended up plowing into me head on. I knew she had hit me but when it was all finalized, her husband claimed to be the guilty driver. I chalked it up to a 2 drink lunch hour for her and found out from my attorney that it was her word against mine anyway. There was no way to prove her indulgence in alcohol since they switched positions and worked out their story by the time the ambulance and police arrived.

The 7.5 hour stay at the hospital was miserable. I was kept on that wooden board for 4.5 of those hours, begging them to take me to X-The Hoodray so I could be unshackled from that miserable board beneath me. By that time, I KNEW I had severe injuries everywhere, and it was impossible to get comfortable, let alone lie on that hard surface. Instead of rescuing me, a nurse arrived only to offer me a shot of morphine. When it didn’t do much to alleviate the pain, I was really getting anxious.  I was never checked for internal injuries, and was sent home with meds for the pain. Little did I know what journey I had ahead of me.

You know when you watch those movies where the lead character hits a wall or another vehicle in a car chase scene, jumping out of their automobile running afterwards? Well it is a bunch of garbage! Sorry, but now I definitely know that it just isn’t likely. And by the way, I found out later that the soft tissue injuries are far more difficult to heal from and take longer as well.

I know that this accident may appear minuscule when compared to some of the other stories you’ve heard. You know the ones where they fly off a cliff and somersault midair, landing upside down, and then sliding into a ravine below (this actually happened to a very dear friend of mine who walked away unharmed). But I am here to tell you that this accident was so horrendous, that I spent literally 3 years in bed, other than a rare trip to CVS to move around a bit and only then, so desperate to return home to my bed after a mere 20 minutes. This was my new life, including an average of 7 doctor’s appointments per week, and withstanding torturous physical therapy three times a week.

Alexandra in BedWhen you are in bed for an extended period of time like this, pain and immobility do peculiar  things to your mind. In addition to my scrambled brain from the substantial impact, I could not focus, my eyesight was like that you would have when you open your eyes under water, and I didn’t have the ability to remember things. I could not stand up without severe vertigo, disorientation, nausea, and headaches. I was unable to do anything for myself, let alone maintain balance with my right foot in a non-weight bearing cast. I could not digest my food for over a year, nor could I eliminate for that same period of time (sorry to be clinical but this is how it was). I dislocated just about every joint in my body with the exception of  fingers and toes and a left ankle. The right side of my body was impacted the hardest, with the foot shattered, ankle dislocated, ligaments stripped, and knees, hips, clavicle, elbows, wrists, and jaws dislocated. My hands and arms, from the elbows down, experienced a pins and needles sensation all of the time, so that prevented me from writing or journaling. I had severe injuries and herniated discs throughout most of my neck and mostly in my mid and lower back. I sustained a concussion, had severe head pain, broke several teeth, and eventually lost the sight in both of my eyes due to what they call “trauma based cataracts.” I developed unendurable migraines behind the right eye and had fibromyalgia so bad that you couldn’t even touch me for several years without me wanting to scream. It was not until the summer of 2011 that I finally moved forward from this all encompassing condition.

Once I was able to withstand a chiropractic visit, I found out that most of my organs had shut down. My adrenals and endocrine system were shot of course, my cycle was abnormal, and I had developed severely low blood pressure, which lasted for years. I was on Vioxx for 3 years and conclusively believe that I had several scary experiences with my heart because of it. I can think of 4 separate occasions where I thought I was dying because my blood pressure plummeted to life threatening levels.  One of them was during one of my eye surgeries.

Alexandra in PainI know this list is exhausting but I am detailing it specifically to reveal where I was and where I am now. I can now walk and workout and move like everyone else, for the most part, despite the four screws in my right foot. This accident brought so many beautiful realizations into my life, teaching me to respect each life experience, capture unfathomable meaning from such events, and surrender to the unfolding of life. With the prolonged pain came a resilience I never knew I had. I was forced to befriend my pain and my mangled body, and through that process I came to know myself. With each healer and practitioner I worked with, came a flurry of understanding about who I am and why I am here. I had always thought I was here to do something big for the planet, but after the car accident I KNEW I was.  I spent all those recuperating years planning my future and solidifying my vision.

My strength escalated as my desire to connect with Source increased. An insatiable yearning to understand the unseen part of life consumed me. And I find that every day is a new venture, where I never get bored because I now know the complexities of life are explicable and empowering. Life is profoundly receptive, just waiting for us to participate, not just show up.

Because of the countless hours I spent healing my incessant body pain, I was prepared to become a healing practitioner and step into my own mastery. I saw so many of the practitioners as being unique, gifted, and out of my reach, only to realize later that I too had a similar gift. Some say that the wounded healer provides an added bonus since their empathy is great. I truly believe this accident shaped me into a more joyful, whole, and balanced individual.  I am now doing something I thoroughly enjoy and intertwine this with my intuitive abilities!  I provide a unique and fulfilling service, creating individualized homeopathic, nature essences, and sacred geometric formula remedies that assist in effective, deeply profound healing.  For a more detailed explanation about my remedies, click here.