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Category: Satire

‘We’re sorry, honey. We sacrificed the human race to demons.’ After-Life debriefing from the Goddess and angels

WashingtonsBlog ‘We’re sorry, honey. We sacrificed the human race to demons.’ After-Life debriefing from the Goddess and angels  May 17, 2017 by Carl Herman An open expanse of light, with three chairs in a slight semi-circle facing one chair. The center of three chairs is taller, sat-upon by a Goddess-like woman. At her right is a martial-looking man, and on her left a male of attractive playfulness. The single chair facing the Goddess has a middle-aged typical Earth male, apparently sleeping. Language warning: This analogy includes the full vocabularies of what human beings would/will say upon such a briefing. Human: (head...

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Sweating, shaking pharmaceutical CEO says he can stop profiting off opioid epidemic anytime he wants

SOTT Sweating, shaking pharmaceutical CEO says he can stop profiting off opioid epidemic anytime he wants The Onion Fri, 07 Apr 2017 Visibly trembling as he wiped beads of perspiration from his forehead, Arcelis Pharmaceuticals CEO Paul Corrier told reporters Wednesday that he could stop profiting off the nation’s opioid crisis anytime he wants. “Getting these lethally addictive drugs into the hands of vulnerable communities across the country is just something I do from time to time for a little profit—I can drop it whenever I choose,” said Corrier, clawing at his sweat-drenched shirt as he insisted he could...

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“Trumped” Starring Matthew Broderick & Nathan Lane [VIDEO]

Published on Feb 28, 2016 From the producers who brought you “The Producers,” #Trumped is a new musical starring Matthew Broderick, Nathan Lane, Cloris Leachman and the unlikely candidate himself, Donald Trump. SUBSCRIBE to get the latest #KIMMEL: http://bit.ly/JKLSubscribe Watch the latest Halloween Candy Prank: http://bit.ly/KimmelHalloweenCandy Watch Mean Tweets: http://bit.ly/JKLMeanTweets8 Connect with Jimmy Kimmel Live Online: Visit the Jimmy Kimmel Live WEBSITE: http://bit.ly/JKLWebsite Like Jimmy Kimmel Live on FACEBOOK: http://bit.ly/JKLFacebook Follow Jimmy Kimmel Live on TWITTER: http://bit.ly/JKLTwitter Follow Jimmy Kimmel Live on INSTAGRAM: http://bit.ly/JKLInstagram About Jimmy Kimmel Live: Jimmy Kimmel serves as host and executive producer of Emmy-winning “Jimmy...

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Last Line Of Obama’s Military Force Request Briefly Mentions Possibility Of 25-Year Quagmire

http://www.theonion.com/articles/last-line-of-obamas-military-force-request-briefly,37990/ WASHINGTON—Following pages of subsections that would officially authorize continued airstrikes, rescue operations, and the deployment of U.S. Special Forces in the fight against ISIS, the final line of the military force proposal that President Obama delivered to Congress Wednesday is said to briefly mention the possibility of a 25-year-long quagmire. “There is also a chance that we may become embroiled in a geopolitical nightmare until 2040,” reads the last sentence of the draft, immediately beneath a clause repealing the 2002 Authorization for Use of Military Force Against Iraq and a stipulation that Obama regularly provide Congress with updated...

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Health Experts Recommend Standing Up At Desk, Leaving Office, Never Coming Back

http://www.theonion.com/articles/health-experts-recommend-standing-up-at-desk-leavi,37957/ ROCHESTER, MN—In an effort to help working individuals improve their fitness and well-being, experts at the Mayo Clinic issued a new set of health guidelines Thursday recommending that Americans stand up at their desk, leave their office, and never return. “Many Americans spend a minimum of eight hours per day sitting in an office, but we observed significant physical and mental health benefits in subjects after just one instance of standing up, walking out the door, and never coming back to their place of work again,” said researcher Claudine Sparks, who explained that those who implemented the practice...

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Obama Calls For Turret-Mounted Video Cameras On All Police Tanks

http://www.theonion.com/articles/obama-calls-for-turretmounted-video-cameras-on-all,37586/ WASHINGTON—In an effort to restore the public’s faith in law enforcement, President Obama made an impassioned appeal this week, calling for the installation of turret-mounted video cameras on all police tanks. “This initiative will ensure that police officers across the country will be held accountable for their actions as they pour out of an 18-ton combat vehicle in response to a routine call,” said Obama, who announced a detailed plan to allocate funding to equip every single armored personnel carrier, landmine-resistant SWAT van, and battle-ready half-track with an onboard camcorder to monitor police conduct. “If the police are...

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ISIS Having Difficulty Finding American Recruits Physically Fit For Jihad (SATIRE)

News in Brief • Our Annual Year 2014 • terrorism • fitness • News • ISSUE 50•39 • Oct 1, 2014 http://www.theonion.com/articles/isis-having-difficulty-finding-american-recruits-p,37068/ AR-RAQQAH, SYRIA—Frustrating the Islamic extremist group’s efforts to bolster its ranks and expand its influence overseas, representatives for ISIS told reporters Wednesday that they have so far encountered considerable difficulty in finding American recruits who are physically fit enough for jihad. “We’ve been in communication with a number of U.S. citizens who are eager to join in our holy crusade, but unfortunately, not one of them is in decent enough shape to effectively wage war against the...

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Pope Nervous For Annual Performance Review With God (Satire)

http://www.theonion.com/articles/pope-nervous-for-annual-performance-review-with-go,37935/ Vatican sources say they’ve overheard Pope Francis rehearsing exactly what he’ll say when asked by God what accomplishments he’s most proud of. VATICAN CITY—Saying he’s appeared uneasy and distracted while delivering masses in recent days, Vatican insiders reported Wednesday that His Holiness Pope Francis is “getting pretty anxious” about his upcoming annual performance review with God. Francis, who is employed as Vicar of Christ, Successor to the Throne of Saint Peter, and Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, is required by Vatican workplace guidelines to meet at least once a year with his immediate superior, God, and participate...

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Katy Perry Drops Hints That Super Bowl Halftime Show Will Be Awful (Satire)

http://www.theonion.com/articles/katy-perry-drops-hints-that-super-bowl-halftime-sh,37887/ PHOENIX—Stressing that she didn’t want to divulge too much information about the upcoming performance, pop star Katy Perry dropped several hints at a press conference Friday indicating that this weekend’s Super Bowl XLIX halftime show will be completely awful. “I don’t want to give anything away, but I will say this: Come halftime on Sunday, you better be ready to see the absolute worst, most god-awful piece of garbage you could possibly imagine,” said a smiling Perry, cryptically adding that fans could expect to see several surprise guests join her for “some lame duet performance that no one...

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NYC Mayor: ‘Reconcile Yourselves With Your God, For All Will Perish In The Tempest’ (Satire)

http://www.theonion.com/articles/nyc-mayor-reconcile-yourselves-with-your-god-for-a,37850/ NEW YORK—As a major winter storm continued its advance toward New York City, Mayor Bill de Blasio advised residents Monday to make peace with whatever higher power they call God, for all shall meet their death in the coming tempest. “The furious hoarfrost bearing down upon us knows neither mercy nor reason, and all within the five boroughs will perish, cowering in their brittle dwellings,” said de Blasio, adding that none would find succor from the gale save those favored by providence to pass quietly in their sleep. “This shall be a tempest the likes of which has...

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Nation’s Historians Warn The Past Is Expanding At Alarming Rate (Satire)

http://www.theonion.com/articles/nations-historians-warn-the-past-is-expanding-at-a,37827/ WASHINGTON—Painting a stark portrait of a phenomenon that appears to be irreversible, a report published Thursday by the American Historical Association has found that the past is currently expanding at an alarming rate. The comprehensive 950-page study, compiled by a panel of the nation’s most prominent historians, warns that the sum total of past time grows progressively larger each day, making it unlikely anything can be done to halt, or even slow down, the relentless trend. “We believe the past is larger now than it’s ever been before,” said College of William and Mary professor Timothy Gibbon, lead...

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Chicago Introduces New Citywide Gun-Sharing Stations (Satire)

http://www.theonion.com/articles/chicago-introduces-new-citywide-gunsharing-station,37797/ Chicago’s new QuikShot gun-share system is modeled on a similar program successfully introduced overseas in Caracas, Venezuela. CHICAGO—Touting the program’s convenience and affordability, Chicago officials unveiled Monday the city’s new gun-sharing service, “QuikShot,” which allows individuals to check out a loaded firearm for short periods of time. The municipal initiative, through which users can rent semiautomatic pistols, shotguns, rifles, and submachine guns at more than 250 self-service kiosks, has reportedly been designed to make firepower easily available to residents and tourists alike nearly everywhere within the city limits. “QuikShot lets anyone with a credit card walk up to...

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